Scene from an Adirondack school. #Adirondack #Corinth

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Frozen Shadows

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Do You Know You?

How many people know themselves? You know, like, really know themselves. I know my likes and dislikes, my habits. I know I'm an introvert who can be social, I just need quiet time to recharge. I know I'm bad at details, good at being creative and I'm a thinker, I think a lot, all the time. I'm the type that lives in his head, it's so cozy in there. However, I don't know myself externally. You know the external me, the short, stocky, balding guy. The dude with the weird glasses and the red and gray goatee, the computer guy, the guy with the orange Jeep. You know the social me, that dude is sort of on autopilot until you pique my interest. See, the guy on autopilot, I don't know him. He's not fake or pretending, he's the façade, the administrative assistant if you will. While I'm in the back office, he's handling the day to day tasks. It's scary because I have this piece of me, the most public piece of me, and I don't know him. He makes quick decisions, has small talk and smiles at people but what is his personality? His likes and dislikes? What's important to him? I don't know, it's kind of scary. Everyone knows him and I don't and yet very few know the real me. How and when did this happen? Is it a defense or a coping mechanism? It takes a lot to jump the wall, swim the moat, cheat the infrared beams and dodge the bullets to get to the "Great Oz" tucked into the vermiculations of my brain. Do you have what it takes? Because it's lonely in here but my world is a great place of peace and happiness, love and honesty.

Do you struggle with this too?

Missing you... #forlorn #lonely #selfportrait

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Holiday Confidential

Here's the scoop, holidays in this house are rough. As I flip through the Rockwellian photographs and stories of epic Thanksgiving feasts on Facebook, I think to myself, I wish I had that life. You see when I was a kid, that was my family, the big family gatherings for holidays. My brother, me, and a bunch of cousins having fun, getting in trouble. Now, that has all gone. The family has all moved away for far off corners of the country or they have passed away. I am left as a last vestige to a by-gone era, an island in time. What's the big deal, you say? You have your own family, make new traditions! True but that is where the difficulty starts. My son is on the Autism Spectrum, he's high functioning but it is still difficult. Instead of all of us gathering in front of the fireplace to watch a movie together, he will needle at his sister, stuff his face into the dog's face several times and all this time we are telling him to stop. See, the things that come naturally to most are hard, hard work for us and aren't really that enjoyable, for any of us. We are not the typical family, we don't have great photos of the kids on our walls because its hard to capture those moments for us. Trust me, I'm a photographer, I know how to make the moment happen or wait silently until it does, but in this house... it doesn't. Our traditions consist of fights to get my son motivated to take care of himself, brush his teeth, get dressed, get his shoes and jacket on, tie his shoes, don't make faces at your sister and smash your face into hers. It is a non-stop dialogue of do this, don't do that and it is exhausting. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally worn out. Holidays are tough now, not the excitement of those good old days. Those days belong to everyone else, the next door neighbor, the family members that have moved away, facebook friends. Now, I sit on this island remembering the Rockwell painting that was and wonder how I can make that happen for my wife and kids. I want to give them the priceless memories I was lucky to have as a child. It's just so difficult to have a "normal" day, I'm not sure its attainable for us and that breaks my heart.

Sad Days

It has been a tough couple of weeks. I lost a family member a week and a half ago and last week was the funeral and saying goodbye. That was tough but today has been even more difficult for me. Fourteen years ago today a very special someone was born. She was my other half, my confidant, my soulmate, my best friend. I lost her in March and it has been excruciating.
 Yup, I'm talking about my dog, Bella. Bee was a kind, beautiful sole and my constant confidant. If I was sick, she was there stuck to me as if to say, "we'll get through this together". She never judged me, made faces, or said a bad or hurtful word. She just loved me for me, accepted me for who I am, even when I didn't know who I was. She listened to me with kind eyes whenever I hurt, she just always had my back. Today is just such a hard day, I wish I could go back thirteen years and celebrate each year all over again. I know that nothing lasts forever, I knew she wouldn't. I just didn't know how much it would hurt or that I'll probably never get over her, my sweet Bee.

Expectation

Ah yes, the behavior that bites you in the ass every time. As a parent, I find this habit to be more detrimental to all involved than most. Your kid doesn’t live up to the standards you’ve set for them and it’s unfair because, it’s their life not yours. If you want to raise the bar, then by all means, you should be the first to clear it. 

So here’s where it gets real tricky, when your kid is on the Autism Spectrum. Everyone else with kids your kid’s age expect big results, you just want your kid to make friends, not get in trouble and not pick their nose. See, while the Mr. & Mrs. REI, or Eddie Bauer push their kids to be the best, I’m sitting there hoping my kid doesn’t become the one they look down at. Expectation is such a shitty thing. Whether your kid is the best or picking their nose, we sit there thinking about how it makes us look or feel. Man that’s selfish bullshit right there. I admit, when my kid leaves his bag of “coping skills” at home, it sucks. It’s hard to watch him implode right before your eyes as his instructor, whom he just met 20 minutes ago, has to yell at him for his behavior or language. The other kids isolate him and now he resembles Alexander, having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. All I can do is sit there, stabbing myself in the leg with a pen so as not to explode and also to try and assimilate the pain he is going through.

I just want to fucking cry…