Holiday Confidential

Here's the scoop, holidays in this house are rough. As I flip through the Rockwellian photographs and stories of epic Thanksgiving feasts on Facebook, I think to myself, I wish I had that life. You see when I was a kid, that was my family, the big family gatherings for holidays. My brother, me, and a bunch of cousins having fun, getting in trouble. Now, that has all gone. The family has all moved away for far off corners of the country or they have passed away. I am left as a last vestige to a by-gone era, an island in time. What's the big deal, you say? You have your own family, make new traditions! True but that is where the difficulty starts. My son is on the Autism Spectrum, he's high functioning but it is still difficult. Instead of all of us gathering in front of the fireplace to watch a movie together, he will needle at his sister, stuff his face into the dog's face several times and all this time we are telling him to stop. See, the things that come naturally to most are hard, hard work for us and aren't really that enjoyable, for any of us. We are not the typical family, we don't have great photos of the kids on our walls because its hard to capture those moments for us. Trust me, I'm a photographer, I know how to make the moment happen or wait silently until it does, but in this house... it doesn't. Our traditions consist of fights to get my son motivated to take care of himself, brush his teeth, get dressed, get his shoes and jacket on, tie his shoes, don't make faces at your sister and smash your face into hers. It is a non-stop dialogue of do this, don't do that and it is exhausting. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally worn out. Holidays are tough now, not the excitement of those good old days. Those days belong to everyone else, the next door neighbor, the family members that have moved away, facebook friends. Now, I sit on this island remembering the Rockwell painting that was and wonder how I can make that happen for my wife and kids. I want to give them the priceless memories I was lucky to have as a child. It's just so difficult to have a "normal" day, I'm not sure its attainable for us and that breaks my heart.

Sad Days

It has been a tough couple of weeks. I lost a family member a week and a half ago and last week was the funeral and saying goodbye. That was tough but today has been even more difficult for me. Fourteen years ago today a very special someone was born. She was my other half, my confidant, my soulmate, my best friend. I lost her in March and it has been excruciating.
 Yup, I'm talking about my dog, Bella. Bee was a kind, beautiful sole and my constant confidant. If I was sick, she was there stuck to me as if to say, "we'll get through this together". She never judged me, made faces, or said a bad or hurtful word. She just loved me for me, accepted me for who I am, even when I didn't know who I was. She listened to me with kind eyes whenever I hurt, she just always had my back. Today is just such a hard day, I wish I could go back thirteen years and celebrate each year all over again. I know that nothing lasts forever, I knew she wouldn't. I just didn't know how much it would hurt or that I'll probably never get over her, my sweet Bee.

Expectation

Ah yes, the behavior that bites you in the ass every time. As a parent, I find this habit to be more detrimental to all involved than most. Your kid doesn’t live up to the standards you’ve set for them and it’s unfair because, it’s their life not yours. If you want to raise the bar, then by all means, you should be the first to clear it. 

So here’s where it gets real tricky, when your kid is on the Autism Spectrum. Everyone else with kids your kid’s age expect big results, you just want your kid to make friends, not get in trouble and not pick their nose. See, while the Mr. & Mrs. REI, or Eddie Bauer push their kids to be the best, I’m sitting there hoping my kid doesn’t become the one they look down at. Expectation is such a shitty thing. Whether your kid is the best or picking their nose, we sit there thinking about how it makes us look or feel. Man that’s selfish bullshit right there. I admit, when my kid leaves his bag of “coping skills” at home, it sucks. It’s hard to watch him implode right before your eyes as his instructor, whom he just met 20 minutes ago, has to yell at him for his behavior or language. The other kids isolate him and now he resembles Alexander, having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. All I can do is sit there, stabbing myself in the leg with a pen so as not to explode and also to try and assimilate the pain he is going through.

I just want to fucking cry…

Where Does Your Heart Live?

When you close your eyes, what do you see? Well, when I’m not seeing dirty pics in my head, I see this. This is home to me, the quiet still air of the Adirondack Mountains. I used to live three miles from this location and I would visit it every day just to learn its various moods. Each one was unique and awe inspiring to me from days like this one pictured to blizzard conditions. Though my body may roam, my heart lives here. Where does your heart live?

Get Off My Grass

Why is life so fucked up with lines and dividers and definitions. Why can’t we just be, live, love, and accept? I want to be me, my me, not your me. I want to like who or what I like, don’t tell me I can’t. I want to dance with whomever I wish and don’t give me shit for it. Trust shouldn’t fence us in, it gives us freedom to prove ourselves and our own personal limits. If you don’t like them, let go and move on, you cannot change me.

My Last Day Of Freedom

After four years of being out of the corporate mosh pit, I jump in once again… sort of. Tomorrow I join the public sector working for my school district as a computer guy. One of the various skillsets I have accrued over my lifetime. So what’s the big deal? It’s all in my head, it’s the first day jitters, the big change in my routine, and having to fill someone else’s shoes. My style is to blaze my own path and that makes this difficult. It’ll be hard to keep myself from thinking about how I could be out exploring mountain roads and photographing the foliage. The thing I think about the most is my quiet time. As an introvert, that is so important and I’ve just given up 99% of it. How is that going to play out? What will happen to my creativity, my mood, my happiness? On a happy note, I am looking forward to getting a regular check again to help support my family and my expensive hobbies!